


69 to 1 Odds

by ellipsometry



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Implied Incest, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, karkat is the worst horse jockey in history
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-20
Updated: 2012-09-20
Packaged: 2017-11-14 16:59:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/517507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellipsometry/pseuds/ellipsometry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat is a disgruntled and poorly-rated horse jockey.  John and Jade are his misguidedly enthusiastic number one fans... and they also want to touch the butt.</p><p>This is their tale.</p><p>(HSO 2012 Round 1 Entry for Team Jade♥John♥Karkat)</p>
            </blockquote>





	69 to 1 Odds

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to my awesome jjk teammates for coming up with the concept! here are the credits for the accompanying illustrations:
> 
> first by Sam (inverts.tumblr.com)  
> second by Lira (liralicia.tumblr.com)  
> third by Inky (inkysquid.tumblr.com)  
> fourth by Em (thislousytshirt.tumblr.com)
> 
> and lastly thanks to Marie for editing! （＾ｖ＾）

It’s two weeks after The Incident when Karkat Vantas finally snaps.

The Incident, as you like to call it, was the fateful day when you and you sister, Jade, accidentally let it slip that you were both romantically interested in Karkat. Totally digging his vibe. Picking up what he’s putting down. Ready to get jiggy with it. You want to touch the butt.

The two of you had been planning a grand romantic overture in order to woo him, but the best laid plans and all that never really go as you want them to. In the end, your confession came in the form of a frustrated Jade Harley screaming “WE LOVE YOU, YOU HUMONGOUS JACKASS!” and then kicking him in the shin. Karkat was too bewildered to do anything.

None of you said anything about it for weeks. Your relationship—that is, that of disgruntled and poorly-rated horse jockey and his misguidedly enthusiastic number one fans—continued on as it always had. The routine stayed the same: You and Jade showing up for every race, and watching as, race after race, Karkat lost or barely managed to stay in the middle of the pack. 

It’s another one of those days, a middle-of-the-pack day, and you and Jade congratulate him as he comes into the dressing room.

“That’s one of your best finishes yet!” Jade beams, squeezing his arm.

“John, can you get her off me before she wrenches my arm out of the socket?”

Karkat looks upset--more than usual--so you pull Jade away, congratulating him and giving him one of your famous debonair smiles and a wink. You, John Egbert, are so good at flirting it is ridiculous. Or, at least, that’s what Jade tells you.

Maybe Karkat doesn’t agree because he’s giving you a pretty dirty look right now and not the good kind of dirty. When Jade pulls him in for another hug and less-than-surreptitiously pats his butt, he pushes her away and finally _snaps_.

“Okay, what is the fucking DEAL with you two? Every second that I’m required to marinate in your presence makes me feel like I’m being courted by a pair of buffoons as a colossal joke. WOW, LOOK EVERYONE, KARKAT IS A WORTHLESS BAG OF FLESH LET’S WATCH HIM FLOUNDER AROUND HELPLESSLY IN THE CESSPOOL OF ROMANCE.”

He thinks it’s all a joke, which you really should have suspected. Still, it’s alarming to realize that he hasn’t believed for one second that you and Jade really like him. At this point you’re grasping at straws trying to convince him.

“Karkat, it’s not a joke! We really _do_ like you!” Jade looks hurt, green eyes glossy and pleading. When she reaches for Karkat’s hand, he flinches away.

“Yeah fucking right!” And then he grumbles, almost too quiet to hear, “Maybe one of you I’d believe, but not both of you.”

So _that’s_ what’s getting him. You have to admit, a tag-team Harley-Egbert onslaught can be kind of intimidating, so you try to explain it to him in the most succinct way possible.  
“Okay, you know how, like, at Applebee’s they have those specials where if you buy one appetizer you get one free?”

“No.”

“Well that’s what me and Jade are like! You think you’re only gonna get one hot babe and then—BAM!” you thrust your fist out at him and Karkat, wide-eyed, balks at you in a way that you can only describe as adorable, “You’re getting two for the price of one!”

“I am not paying either of you.”

“Karkat, it’s just a metaphor.”

“Oh.”

You’re pretty sure that at one point, maybe even now, Karkat had a crush on you, and also a crush on Jade. Maybe at the same time. So, to be honest, you thought it would be a lot easier than this to convince him to be with the both of you and live together in dysfunctional domestic bliss and whatnot. But with Karkat things are never really easy.

He’s not saying anything, so you grab Jade’s hand and move to leave, “We should let you rest and get ready for your race tomorrow. We’ll see you then, okay?”

“Wait!” Karkat yells out and you stop. He stomps up to you, which would be a lot more intimidating if he wasn’t half your height, “Since you two are so big into betting _I_ want to make a bet: If I win tomorrow you have to leave me alone. Forever.”

“Wh—“

“Got it?!”

“And,” Jade grins, stepping forward and prodding Karkat square in the chest, “If you don’t win, you have to let us take you out on a date!”

Karkat scoffs, “Yeah well, I’m definitely going to win, so you can forget that!!”

“Yeah right, you are going to lose and then me and John are going to woo you SO HARD. PREPARED TO BE WOOED, KARKAT VANTAS!”

“YOU TWO COULDN’T WOO A PAIR OF PANTS OFF A LIFELESS MANNEQUIN MUCH LESS ME!”

Jade and Karkat could go at it all night. You have to practically drag her out of the dressing room, “For real though, he is going to lose.” Jade whispers under her breath.

(You spend the ride home picking out which restaurant you’re going to take him to.)

 

“Heyyyyyyyy,” Vriska Serket is working the betting booth as per usual and she greets you and Jade when you show up at the stadium the next day.

“You’re sure here early today, what’s got you two so excited?” She wiggles her eyebrows at you, and you debate telling her about the bet; an urge that is quickly stamped out when Jade digs into your foot with her heel and asks Vriska what the betting odds are for Karkat’s race.

Vriska snickers under her breath and quickly brings them up and… they are not looking good.

“Wow, stiff competition.” You mumble, looking at the list of names. At the top of the list, with odds of 2:1 is Nepeta Leijon and her horse Fountain of Cute. From what you hear she’s never lost a race, mostly due to having such a great horse trainer on her team—Equius Something-or-Other. Halfway down the list is Terezi Pyrope and her horse Senator Lemonsnout; their odds are 10:1.  
And at the bottom of the list is Karkat and his horse Runaway Hate Train. The odds are—

“Sixty-nine to one?!”

“That can’t be right!” Jade scrutinizes the list, “That’s so bad! He’s not _that_ bad!”

Vriska rolls her eyes, “He came in thirteenth a few races ago.”

“Yeah, so?”

“There were only twelve horses running; the grand marshal got tired of waiting for him and counted a stray cat that had gotten onto the field and crossed the finishing line as the twelve place finisher.”

Jade covers her face with her hands, “Oh god I forgot all about that.”

(You and Jade bet on him anyway.)

 

Vriska tells you that Karkat is in the stables with Runaway Hate Train. Hatey, as you’ve taken to calling him, looks pleased when you and Jade enter, but Karkat groans.

“Excellent, the wonder twins are here to greet me before I spend the rest of the day falling assbackwards into a pile of putrid embarrassment.”

“Hello to you too, Karkat.”

Jade immediately heads over to stroke Hatey lovingly on the nose. He snorts happily. Karkat makes a similar noise but out of frustration.

“I can’t believe he likes you; he hates me half the time.”

Jade rolls her eyes, “Yeah, cause you’re always so loud and you move around so much! Horses don’t like that; you need to act calm around them. You have to approach them very slowly and don’t make big gestures with your arms or talk loudly—“

Karkat’s eyes narrow, “Why are you trying to help me anyway? I thought you guys wanted me to lose so you can sweep me off my feet and take me to Red Lobster or what the fuck ever.”

You look over at Jade. The two of you lock eyes and despite the fact that you’re not totally sold on twin telepathy as a concept, you can definitely tell what she’s thinking: _Why on Earth do we like this idiot?_

“C’mon Karkat, we would take you somewhere way nicer than Red Lobster.”

You pout, “Hey, I like Red Lobster…”

“Karkat…” You hear a gentle voice and turn to see Kanaya, the tailor in charge of all the jockeys’ uniforms, “I’m ready to fit your outfit.”

“Great, any excuse to get away from these morons.”

“Hi Kanaya!” Jade smiles, “Did you guys just get new uniforms or something?”

“Yes, and the standard size is a bit, well…”

“Don’t say a fucking word.” Karkat growls.

You can see a smirk lurking under Kanaya’s polite smile, “It’s a bit small for Karkat. Good seeing you Jade, John.” She leads a fussing Karkat out of the room to the tailoring room. Jockeys are supposed to be small, but even by those standards Karkat is positively Lilliputian. He’s barely half your height and a head shorter than Jade.

“Hey,” Jade’s voice is soft when she hugs you from behind, “I’m worried about him. This is going to be a really hard race.”

You can’t say you disagree, “I hope he’s not taking this bet too seriously.”

“Karkat takes everything seriously.”

A laugh bubbles up in your throat, “True. Maybe I should talk to him?”

“What a genius idea.”

You grin, “Well I do have you as a sister, so it must run in the family.”

(She rolls her eyes and waves you out of the room.)

 

Karkat is standing in the center of Kanaya’s tailoring room, arms folded and facing away from you. Kanaya herself is nowhere to be seen, so you quietly snatch a measuring tape and sneak up behind him, measuring his inseam, “Wow, quite a stubby guy aren’t you?” You say.

“JESUS FUCK EGBERT, WHERE DID YOU EVEN COME FROM?” Karkat goes red and swats your hand away from between his legs.

“Karkat, please. I’m a professional.”

“Professional at getting on my last fucking nerve!”

You laugh and drop the tape, flopping down on a nearby chair, “Sorry man, just trying to help. I wanted to make sure you’re doing okay and all. You’ve got a tough race today.”

He snorts, “You’re telling me.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Karkat just frowns at you, so you pat your lap, “C’mon, come sit and tell me about your feelings.”

“I’m not sitting on your lap, you enormous creep.”

“You’re missing out, man.”

You don’t manage to get him to sit on your lap, but he does pull up a chair next to you with a sigh so exasperated it could move mountains. “I’m going to lose so badly today.” He says.

You frown, “You don’t know that! Just because you’re, er, well just because you’re not as good as everyone else racing today doesn’t mean that… you couldn’t… maybe win?” You’re not good at this kind of motivational stuff. You’re not gonna lie: Karkat is a pretty bad jockey. But he’s never given up, which is what drew you and Jade to him in the first place.

Karkat doesn’t seem to notice your pathetic attempt at comforting him, “No, shit, Egbert you don’t get it! I’m no good at this!” His eyebrows knit a frustrated countenance and his teeth worry at his bottom lip, “I love being a jockey but I’m no good at it. I’ve already accepted it, so whatever. But it’s still frustrating to be reminded of it every day.”

“But you could always get better!” You offer, “Everyone has to start somewhere.”

He snorts in derision, “Sure, but that’s not going to happen. No one believes in me or what the fuck ever. No one wants to bet on me. Well, monetarily obviously they don’t because my odds are fuckballs, but I mean no one bets on me in a... metaphysical sense. God I don’t know.”

He looks so goddamn sad and you can’t stand it. You rope your arm around his shoulder and he actually lets you, even leaning his head into your shoulder.

“You know,” you say, “I believe in you. And so does Jade. And we’re more than willing to bet on you. Monetarily and, uh, metaphysically.”

Karkat looks up at you, “But why?”

Why, indeed. There’s a lot you could say, many a romantic response you could give him. You could mention how he never gives up, even when the whole universe seems to be giving him less-than-subtle hints that he should, how he looks so alive and happy when he races. You could mention how much fun it is being around him, even when you’re just messing with him. How handsome he looks when he smiles. Or you could mention the first time you and Jade saw him: She gripped your arm so tightly you almost lost circulation and whispered in your ear _‘He is so cute I want to put him in my pocket.’_

You don’t say any of that, though. You just ruffle his hair and say, “Because we really like your butt, dude.”

(Thankfully Jade doesn’t ask when she sees you leave the tailor’s with a bloody nose and a grin.)

 

The race goes exactly how you expected it to go. Worse, even. Nepeta wins overwhelmingly and Karkat finishes next-to-last, pulling out a sprint in the last stretch. It’s hard to watch, and as soon as the race is over you and Jade take a moment of silence to mourn your lost money and then abscond to Karkat’s dressing room.

“Well?” Karkat is sitting on a bench in his room, his sleeves and his face scrunched up unhappily, “You assholes got what you wanted. I lost so I’m all yours, your demure child bride ready to be taken on a wondrous adventure of love, romance, and half-price off appetizers. WE CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD, KARKAT! SHINING, SHIMMERING SPLENDOR.”

“Aw, Karkat we’re not happy you lost. We wanted you to win, y’know!” Jade tentatively places a hand on Karkat’s shoulder and he, for once, doesn’t flinch away.

You laugh sheepishly, “You don’t have to go on a date with us if you don’t want, man. Besides, I’m not sure if we can really afford a nice dinner right now. We sort of, uh, bet all our cash on you.”

Karkat looks floored—for a second. In no time he’s back to being surly as usual, “You bet on me?!”

Jade punches him in the shoulder, “Of course we did, jackass, we always bet on you! We believe in you!”

This is obviously the wrong response, though, as Karkat pushes himself off the bench, away from both of you, and brings his voice up to a dull roar, “And now I’m supposed to be all wooed and touched by your idiocy? OH, EGBERT, HARLEY, TAKE ME NOW. YOUR BLIND LOVE FOR THE UNSKILLED AND WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT THAT IS MY HIDE IS OVERWHELMING. Yeah fucking right you intolerable morons. Not all of us can afford to throw away money in stupid and ill-advised acts of misguided affection.”

Jade just rolls her eyes, “Jeez, shove it Karkat! Odds on you were so terrible that if you’d actually managed to win we’d be totally rich!”

“I hate you both—“

“You love us.”

“—SO MUCH.”

Silence. Karkat awkwardly takes off his jacket and stuffs it in his locker, face bright red, maybe from embarrassment, maybe from anger, probably from both. Jade exchanges a look with you and sighs, “C’mon Karkat, it’s just—“

She’s interrupted when Karkat’s stomach growls loud enough to cover up her words. His face flushes an even brighter red, which only sets you off on a peel of laughter.

“WHAT?! COME ON EGBERT WHAT IS SO SIDE-SPLITTINGLY FUNNY, OH THAT’S RIGHT, NOTHING. NOW SHUT YOUR INFERNAL NOISE TUBE.” He goes to punch you in the shoulder but it’s a weak attempt and it only sets you off again, covering your mouth with one hand and keeping a hissing and spitting Karkat at bay with your other arm.

Jade snickers and intercepts Karkat’s hand from its trajectory towards your face, “Play nice, kitty.”

“HARLEY I SWEAR TO FUCK—“

You wipe a tear away from your eye and take Karkat’s other hand in yours, and he actually doesn’t protest. He sighs, resigned, and lets you and Jade lead him out of the room and towards the stadium exit. For a while, it’s actually quiet, only the sound of the janitors and stadium workers bustling around, shutting everything down for the night. A happy hum resonates through your body, thrums down your arm and trails through Karkat to reach Jade. You don’t need twin telepathy to know that she’s grinning from ear-to-ear just like you.

When you reach the parking lot you look down and notice that Karkat is gripping both yours and Jade’s hand with white knuckles. He’s frowning, which isn’t unusual, but it’s a sad, far-off kind of look. Like he’s scared of losing you. Like he’s expecting you both to disappear in a flash of smoke at any moment. You see that Jade is also carefully watching him, and it seems like it’s going to take a lot to convince him that you’re not just fooling around, that you and Jade aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

But you guess you have to start somewhere. “So,” Jade nudges Karkat with her elbow, “since we’re all out of cash, how about this unskilled and worthless sack of shit buys us some dinner?”

“Fuck no.” Karkat grumbles, but he’s already heading towards his car, trailing you two along.

“Can we go to Red Lobster?”

“John, nooo.”

“Jade, Red Lobster is a classy place!”

“I hate you both more than I could ever hope to be able to vocalize.”

(The three of you go to Olive Garden instead.)


End file.
